Wow. Wow. Wow.
After writing my post yesterday about the anxiety I’ve been dealing with (and hitting the “publish” button with one eye closed), I told myself that if even one person knew what I was experiencing and made me feel less “crazy” than I would be better off for having shared it. I had no idea that I would receive so many emails, texts, comments and messages from people telling me they knew exactly how I felt – or had similar experiences with anxiety – or just wanted to tell me that they are here to listen if I ever need them. You guys are FANTASTIC! I haven’t been able to respond to every message yet – but I promise that is for no other reason than I want to respond and give you the attention you deserve. Your shared experiences are so appreciated.
All that said, I do want to follow up and clarify a few things that I wrote, so I can move on fully. When I write, I don’t plan it out. I just write. I find that’s the best way for me to write honestly and raw – and if I try to do it any other way, it doesn’t feel genuine to me or my thought process. That’s why you will see missed spelling errors, etc. I write, publish and then edit – which is a pretty accurate description of how I go about life in general.
I’m such a rule breaker.
Anyway, after I publish these things – I realize that some of it could be misconstrued or translated negatively. And – because of my now well-documented anxiety – I get anxious when I think I might be misunderstood. So, let me clarify some things (if only to appease my own mind):
- When I wrote “I wasn’t married, I didn’t have kids… I didn’t have a whole lot of love to lose,” I want to make it very clear that I was talking about a very personal, self-destructive part of my life that had nothing to do with not having a husband or child(ren) and everything to do with me not having much self-worth. What I meant was, at this time, I didn’t care what I did to myself and I didn’t have a whole lot of love for myself and that’s why I wrote that I didn’t have a lot of love to lose. I want to make it especially clear that I don’t think you need a partner or children to be “whole” or have a life full of love. Anyone who really knows me already knows this very well; however, I would hate for anyone to think that I feel you need to be married with 2.5 kids to be happy or content.
- When I write about being a usually “carefree mom,” it is not my intent to make other moms or parents feel inferior because they do things differently. I honestly think who we are as parents has trickled down from who we are, naturally, as people. I am laid-back (maybe sometimes too much), because that’s how I am as a person in most things (unless there’s a gorilla sitting on my chest telling me the ceiling fan is gong too fast and will fly off and kill us all.*). I’m not saying my way is the right way. I’m saying this is how I naturally am and it has nothing to do with who you naturally are or how you parent.
- I wrote that I don’t like to talk about my miscarriages anymore. I want to clarify that I don’t want to ever write about them again. That said, if you are having recurrent miscarriages or fertility issues and you want more information on what finally worked for us, please, please message me. I don’t ever want people to think that because I don’t want to write about it, I also don’t want to tell them our experience and help them. I am more than willing to help anyone who is going through that on a private level. I want to help people. Talking to other people is what led us in the right direction of getting the right treatment and ultimately having that red-headed firecracker in our lives!
Ok, so now that that is off my chest… thank you again so much for all of your comments and messages. They not only help me, but you are helping so many other people by sharing! Sometimes, there is strength in numbers – and this is one of those times. Today, in between work and responding to your messages, Ivy and I ran outside and splashed in muddy puddles (ala Peppa Pig) and we laughed our heads off. I highly recommend taking a moment today to just get out of your office, off your sofa or – simply – out of your own head, and go do something random and fun. It works wonders for the soul!
Thank you also for reading and following this blog. I’ve been doing this for years and years and years – and yet I’m still amazed every single time I get responses from people. I promise there will be a fluff post coming soon! Someday…
*I would personally like to thank my father, Randy, for putting “that fan is going too fast and going to kill us all” scenario into my mind for all of eternity. Clearly, this anxiety sh*t is hereditary.