Her dad gives me the same look.

***

What’s happening? What’d I miss? What’s going on?

Scratch that. I don’t want to know.

My little Facebook moratorium has been pretty dang successful (by my standards) and I have to admit, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it. Once you get through the first few days and you no longer have the shakes/hallucinations, it gets much easier!  Plus, did you know there’s a whole world out there that you don’t have to even check into or take photos of when you go?!

I. Had. No. Idea.

And all this extra time I have?  So much time!  I mean, I could go on and on…

So, just let me.

Go on and on…

***

Five things you find more time for when you stay off Facebook for a month:

1/ Sexually harassing your husband.
I didn’t necessarily forget how much I love my husband, but I may have been distracted by social media enough that he wasn’t getting the true attention he deserves. Now I like to spend my days sending him suggestive texts while he’s at work and making inappropriate advances when he’s doing mundane tasks around the house. So far, I think he enjoys it. That said, I may also be one ass-slap away from a lawsuit if I don’t slow my roll.

2/ Liking people again.
I totally forgot that I actually like people. For awhile there, after seeing the 700th re-post of a (fake) photo of Osama bin Laden shaking hands with Hillary Clinton, I seriously started to lose real faith in humanity – and basic intelligence. But then… I got off Facebook. And it was magical. I would venture outside and there were wonderful real-live people walking around. They would smile and say hello – and not even one of them wanted to talk about the president, or try to spoil Game of Thrones, or even tell me five hundred ways I might die from a scented flyer left on my car at the gas station.

People are awesome in real life.  (Well, most of them…)

3/ Re-arranging and revamping your entire house.
Due to my foot injury and nothing to peruse on Facebook, I started to be more aware of my surroundings. And my surroundings started to irritate me. So, within a one week span, I re-arranged my furniture and then put all the furniture back where it was. I took down the giant buffalo photos and made a 10′ wood photo ledge. I replaced a few rugs, moved around the old rugs. And basically, I shifted everything on the first floor. All with the help, of course, of my super hot husband who I generously rewarded with some whistles and more ass-slapping.

(I swear, he really does like it. I had him sign an affidavit.)

4/ Documentary binges.
I am pretty confident that I now know more about the Roosevelt administrations than the Roosevelts knew about the Roosevelt administrations. Ask me anything about Queen Elizabeth’s entire family going back five generations and I will accept that question and raise you a House Windsor bonus round. When I found myself reciting the dialogue along with the narrator on my 14th Kennedy series, I decided to hang it up for awhile – and began watching Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce.  Which, by the way, made my husband slightly nervous. Until I assured him with a pinch that I was still totally into him – and then told him to make me a turkey sandwich.

I’m totally kidding. I don’t even like turkey sandwiches.

5/ Missing everyone.
I know. It’s so sweet, right? It’s also a lie. Kind of. I’m sorry. I do miss seeing all of the sweet faces and photos – and the positive, happy posts people shoot out in the universe with the optimism of a kitten rolling in a basket full of endless yarn. You know what I don’t miss?  Everything else. I love reading and watching the news and not hearing the chatter of opinions. I love being blissfully unaware of every dissected (and usually unverified) way my child can be harmed, maimed or kidnapped.  And you know what I definitely don’t miss on Facebook?

ME on Facebook.

Seriously. I annoyed myself.

So, I think I have finally kicked the habit. I wasn’t an addict, but I was definitely an abuser. And life truly has been so much more peaceful. I’m not saying I’ll never be on there. Think of me more as a silent partner. Truth is, I’ve been on a few times and I’ve gotten quickly bored, so I logged off again. And I’ve found that if you keep the app off your phone, you kind of lose interest altogether.

Just some tips if you’re thinking of trying this (blissful) endeavor…

Now, if you’ll excuse me… I need to post the link to this on Facebook so you’ll see it and then I have to go hit up my husband for some extra attention.

Oh, sweet, sweet irony.

xo,

Jen

 

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